Is This Writer's Block

I've always thought of writer's block being something more like constipation. Sitting in front of a computer trying to squeeze out a story. But I haven't been trying to write at all. That may be due to the fact that I'm not sure what to write or that what I do write I think up is crap (tha-t does fit into my metaphor, anyway). I have heard that in order to write you need to read. So if reading is the fiber then maybe I should take my medicine and let the crap flow, the good and the bad.

Am I experiencing writer's block? If anybody reads this, tell me what you think by leaving a comment. Thank you.

My Poor Toe

I realize that the best thing is to laugh at the stupid things I've done, all of the stupid things I've done. So, after posting the story about my shin, here is one about my toe. Don't worry it's short. The story; not the toe.

It was a December morning, I believe the 12th of December. I remember because it was the last day of classes and the first day of college finals. Anyway I was getting ready for class and auto-started my car when I realized that I hadn't set the dials to defrost the windshield. I ran outside to quickly set the dials (I didn't really have time to scrap the hard ice off the windshield, not without the defrost softening it first). The problem lie in the fact that I was not yet dressed.

I ran outside in my pajamas and bare feet, I figured that I would not be in one spot long enough for the cold to damage said feet, however I forgot about the ice. I was briskly walking back up my front porch, which is really a wooden deck, and stepped on a patch of ice. My right foot slid down the length of one of the boards and my toe (the one next to the pinky toe) jammed between the boards. As my foot continued to slide it twisted pulling my toe from the boards and disjointing it at the same time.

I made it to class on time and went to the doctors the next day. He asked me how it happened so I told him I slipped on ice, he looked at me and without blinking asked "Didn't the shoe protect your toe any?" Damn it! I was hoping you would catch that part. It wasn't broken but bloody and bruised. I, after previously seeing him twice for sprained ankles (different one each time), assured him I'm not a drunk.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I'm sure you've done something in your life, something stupid, that caused someone close to you to say "Someday you will look back on this and laugh." Well, I'm still waiting for the laughter. Here, I'm going to do my best to force it along. I'm going to tell you how I put a dent in my shin.

It was spring, about 3 years ago, and since the birds started nesting that spring there was a Robbin (at least I think it was a Robbin) trying to make a home in a bush next to my front steps. Every time I came and went the bird would get upset. It started leaving landmines on the steps as if it was trying to deter me from walking up them. Everyday I would wash off the steps.

One day I was watering the grass as to have it nice and green before the heat of summer killed the lawn. I spent the day moving the sprinkler from spot to spot. The finial spot was in front of the deck, it was watering the lawn and the front bushes and the front steps.

At the end of the day, nighttime, I came out of the house to put away the sprinkler. I walked down the steps, in my flip-flops, and planted my right foot on the bottom step. The bottom step on which there was a poo, a bird poo, that I had missed when hosing off the steps. My foot slipped and I went falling to earth and landed on my belly (thankfully I was fat at the time or it would have done damage).

My belly didn't take the only impact however, my right leg landed on the edge of the second step. I was sure I did major damage to my leg. It was hot, red, bruising, and I could barely walk. I was in so much pain that I had my sister come over to look at it. I couldn't tell her the whole story, but she didn't need to know that now. We decided that I didn't need to go to the ER, so I went to the doctors the next day and nothing was broken. I just smashed the netting of issue that covers the shin or something like that.

It took about a year for the shin to stop feeling hot to the touch and about 2 years for the bruise to heal. There is still a dent in my leg, but as I exercise and lose weight it keeps getting more and more shallow.

That bird never saw me fall. It dropped the bomb and left, giving up on living there. But thanks to him, his poo, a wet step, and tractionless flip-flops I am reminded of the pain of unscripted slapstick every time I see my leg in the mirror.

See, I can't laugh at it; if I could it would be a funnier story. At least I can talk about it. Anyway I'm going to end this with a finial thought, I believe it was Mark Twain that said, "A man that is able to laugh at himself will never want for amusement"...or maybe it was Shirely MacLaine.

Quotes From 'Criminal Minds'

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." -Joseph Conrad

"Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable." -(attributed to) William Shakespeare

"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses. It is an idea that possesses the mind." -Robert Oxton Bolton

"The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?" -Albert Einstein

"Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together." -Eugene Ionesco

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe." -Friedrich Nietzsche

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." -Oscar Wilde

"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." -G.K. Chesterton

Read more quotes on http://criminalmindswiki.wetpaint.com/page/Criminal+Minds+Quotes.
Visit the shows website at http://www.cbs.com/primetime/criminal_minds/.

Embarrassing Gushing #1: Totally Grateful

Thank you, my dear man, thank you for the laughs. At a time when I was at my most despairing you found me and gave me a chance to laugh at all my stressors.

When other jesters would have me forget my problems and "cheer up", you showed me the failings of those who cause those problems and how to laugh at the idiots.

I learned by your illustration that against an onslaught of laughter, nothing can stand.

I am in your debt.

It's The Cake I Swear!

I've been helping my sister (we'll call her Mia) with some of her wedding plans. At first I had nothing to add to the discussion. "Where should we have the ceremony and reception?" How should I know? All of my married friends got married either while the friendship was on a break or too far away and i couldn't get time off to attend, so I have no frame of reference. (Except for relatives' weddings from when I was a child.)

Then Mia sent an email to the group wanting to know our opinion on the cake and the email included a link to a cake website. She now had my attention. I was all over the Web with cake on the brain (that is not a cocaine reference). I printed off pictures of decorated cakes that I liked; next I started searching the Net for other aspects of a wedding, such as save-the-date cards, invitations, favors, and decorations.

Suddenly I realized, if someone would come into my office and see all the pages I collected and the sites I 'd been visiting they would think I was nuts. A single girl planning which cake she is going to serve at her "some day" wedding to her nonexistent boyfriend, crraaazyy.

Believe me, I am not that girl. I am not the always center of attention, "look at me, look at me" type. I do not believe that love will conquer all of my demons and "If I just get married my life will be perfect," or "I just need to be married I don't care to whom." (By the way, I'm currently cleaning out my demon closet and some of them are just getting dusted off and put right back. What? I like them.)

Whenever I would see pictures of someone's wedding I would think about how uncomfortable I would be in front of everyone I know. The only saving grace would be if the groom (if it is to be) was the star of the show and I a supporting player. But as I think about Mia's wedding and the idea that a wedding is a celebration of family and loved ones, not a showcase of vanities, I realize it could be a fun and touching event, whether you're the bride or a guest.

And if I should ever forget that, remind me of the huge, multi-tiered, frosted cake. In fact if I'm reluctant to go somewhere you wish me to go, cake will get me there.

http://www.gloriousdesserts.com/weddings.html

Quotes From "Treasury of Wit & Wisdom"

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -H.L. Mencken

I have a heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf. -Robert Bloch

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. -Marlene Dietrich

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. -Matt Groening

Sex is a momentary itch; love never lets you go. - Kingsley Amis

To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god. -Jorge Luis Borges

I wasted time, and now doth time waste me. -William Shakespeare

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. -Havelock Ellis

What worries you masters you. - Haddon W. Robinson

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy. -Robert Anthony

From the Reader's Digest Treasury of Wit & Wisdom; 4000 if funniest, cleverest, most insightful things ever said

The Mouse Hunt

I come out of my bedroom into the living room to find my male cat, Solan, staring at the floor underneath the blue Lazyboy. I watch him as he swats at a lump in a blanket which I have over the chair. I lift the blanket thinking he got a toy stuck there. Something falls out. Still thinking it may be a toy and it is now under the chair, I tilt the chair forward and a gray-black blur shoots from underneath the chair to underneath the curio cabinet. It’s definitely not a toy, it’s a mouse.

I decide to go into my bedroom and get a mouse trap I had set there. “It would do better in the living room,” I think to myself, “the thing has dust on it and may be in a bad spot anyway”. I bend down to get the trip (a covered, reusable one) and I see that it’s sprung. It has a fresh kill inside. I empty the trap, clean off the dust, and reset it. I place it between the curio cabinet and the entertainment center, behind a basket (so cat paws will not get caught in it).

Solan still has the mouse cornered as I find and prepare more traps. I place the second one behind the blue Lazyboy and, as I am readying another one, I see Solan chase the mouse across the living room away from the traps. I yell at him that that is the wrong way as I try to set the third trap. The spring wouldn't stay latched. Then I see Solan chase the mouse back toward the curio cabinet, batting the mouse in the air twice. The mouse runs behind the basket and Solan leaps over it in hot pursuit. I hear a snap.

I gingerly walk over to Solan. I see a mouse tail moving in the trap. Not knowing if the struggle set off the trap and the mouse is just hiding inside or if it is caught, I try to quickly come up with a plan. I realize that I want the mouse to stay in the trap, if it’s alive, so I get a bag to help scoop up the trap (before the mouse can get out) and I open the front door readying to fling the mouse outside.

Solan is still wedged between the furniture, behind the basket, ready to pounce as soon as the mouse comes out of the trap. I, ready with my bag, lift the trap and see that it did its job and killed the mouse. I show Solan (who is freaking out) the trap with the mouse inside. He looks at the mouse and bats at the bottom of the trap. I give him praise and pets -and after bringing the dead mouse outside to the garbage can- I give him treats.

About half an hour later I’m sitting on the couch and Solan comes in from the kitchen with a small, live mouse in his mouth. Both I and the mouse are stunned. I grab another grocery bag and approach Solan. He drops the mouse and I am able to grab it through the bag and release it outside. Then I give my good little mouser more treats.

—

Before you breathe a sigh of relief for the humane release of this mouse, it was injured. And when I went back outside to see if it was still there, there were bird foot prints in the snow around the imprint the mouse had made when it landed. Circle of life (eye roll).

During all of this my other cat Hillary didn’t move from her kitchen chair.

Solan has since calmed down but I’m still freaked out. Three mice in one day? I am determined to find how they are getting into the house and put up as many traps as I can. First I need to go to Target for the traps and then do some detective work. Thankfully I now know I have an excellent mouser to replace Sunny (my dearly departed tabby and accomplished mouser in his own right).

Random Rant #1: The Dumbing

If you look up the word cow on Merriam-Webster.com you will find two definitions: 1) a. the mature female of cattle, b. the mature female of various usually large animals (as an elephant, whale, or moose) and 2) a domestic bovine animal regardless of sex or age. Also if you look up the word library there are two pronunciations one – library (li-brer-e) and two – libery (li-ber-e).

Here comes the rant.

No, no, no, NO! I know my college English teacher would say that the spoken word is stronger than the written word (in regards to language) but does that make it OK to be stupid? For a long time people, who probably have never actually seen live cattle, have called both the males and females of that species cows. Is it because people like us, who know better and don’t want to be jerks, haven’t corrected them that now wrong is right?

Let me tell you something that you should already know, a male member of the bovine family is a bull. Look up the word bull on m-w.com and it will tell you “a male bovine; especially: an adult uncastrated male domestic bovine”. A reference book (or reference site) shouldn't have to contradict itself so wildly especially in the same entry. I’m not talking about one word having two meanings, this goes beyond contranyms. I’m talk about the fact that we, instead of educating people of the correct usage of the English language, have decided to dumb down everyone else by making the wrong usage acceptable. I don’t see how this is OK.

You can add new words to the language, you have to as a society grows and invents, but let’s not throw away the knowledge and language we have already acquired. I highly doubt that in the scientific community that a bull will ever be considered a cow. Isn't that what should be considered when defining words, how they are used by the people who deal in the subject matter and not how they are used by someone who is ignorant to the true terms and definitions?

(Don’t get me started on Barnyard the full-length animated movie in which Nickelodeon seems to think that bulls have utters. I can concede that it was done for the humor value but I can only hope that parents educated their kids on the fact that male bovine do not have utters and are called bulls.)

And in case you where wondering, library has two r(s) in it, two. Count them: one, two. Say them both! I have no idea what a libery is but I image it is something like a strawberry or a raspberry not someplace that you can check out books.

I am not going to dumb down for anyone. I don’t aspire to be stupid; never have and never will. I don’t care if the dictionary says it’s OK. And I invite you to declare the same. I will not call a bull a cow and I will say library (li-brer-e) never libery.

Thank you, rant complete.